I'm Thinking
by Rally4ever
Summary: During "A Priest Walks Into A Bar"... what was Mary thinking about when Marshall was trying to convince her of what she really needs.
1. Food For Thought

I don't own In Plain Sight or any affiliated characters.

* * *

"I'm thinking…" I tell him, and not just about his words- How he told me I don't need a cowboy; I've done and been the cowboy;  
I need something messy, someone who challenges me, someone who makes me think.

I'm thinking… I know he's right about me as he always is.

I'm thinking… about this cowboy, my partner, my best friend - how his stare touches me to my core; there's a flash of honesty in his eyes  
which he tried but failed to conceal. I'm not as naïve as he gives me credit for. I didn't count on him looking at me with such openness, so soon.

I'm thinking… that he doesn't know when he looks at me he challenges me, makes me want to be a better person.  
He makes me feel valuable and treasured as no one, no other man can.

I see Stan walk past us, I follow him to talk to him and escape the weight of Marshall's stare because if I stay another second I'm afraid  
he will see the truth or I will give into the almost overwhelming compulsion to admit what he can't know yet. I compliment Stan, calling him  
a 'dear man' because he lied to spare a daughter's feelings; sometimes lies are necessary to protect the feelings of others, especially to  
protect the ones we love the most. I pretend that I don't see Marshall's disappointed expression spreading across his face;  
I know he must think he just missed his chance. It breaks my heart; because I wish I could show him he didn't miss a thing.

I'm thinking… I wish I wasn't such a good actress.

I'm thinking… this has been a crazy year- My family, the witnesses, me becoming engaged and unengaged to Raph; me realizing I had fallen in love with my best friend,  
that I had always loved him some way. Even when it wasn't as clear to me as it was when he was looking at me like that.  
I know he loves me too.

I'm thinking… he's crazy for loving me. He deserves better than what I can give him right now; I'm so broken and he believes in me like nobody else, some potential in me-  
he sees a finished product, which I am far from being. For some reason he does not give up; he never quits on me. I'm amazed by this man. I do get closer, one painstaking day at a time.  
I'm getting closer to being the woman he should have. I would kill any woman if she ever broke his heart, I'll be dammed if that woman is me. He never thinks of himself only of what  
would be good for me, I saw from that look of determination and sincerity- he would be willing to try, to risk it. He doesn't see that I couldn't bear to lose him, I am no stranger to  
loss in my life but him being gone would be the death of me. He keeps me from falling away. He helps me fight myself; his faith in me pushes me on.

I'm thinking… I am so selfish, keeping this to myself but right now I would hurt him. I've been told I am toxic. I would poison us in the end, if I rush this. I'm hoping the day will come  
when I can be honest with him; if I'm not too late. He can't know right now, but I dream of a future life- of me waking up in the arms of my favorite cowboy, to his kisses in our bed;  
we're smiling. This to me is a future worth fighting for, worth waiting for, one I am not willing to jeopardize.

I'm thinking… He is the one thing I have to get right in my messed up life; I will do right by him. He is no one night stand, not just another warm body. I've repeatedly heard his father's,  
now his favorite expression "everything is everything" and he is everything to me. This is a scary concept; one I have not quite yet adjusted to, but it's a truth I know I'll have to bear  
the burden of. I am his, as I have been no one else's. He has a claim on my soul. I trust him with my life; I trust him with more than that. He would never use me or take advantage of  
his power over me. He's the only one who could ever truly break my heart; he's the only one I know never would.

So yes, Marshall… I'm thinking.


	2. Mexico

Thank you all for the reviews… they encouraged me a lot and inspired me to continue. Meant a lot to me especially since this is my first In Plain Sight fic…  
just had to write it though. I could not stand it. Still don't own In Plain Sight or any other affiliated characters cause if I did… the season would have ended differently, kind of like this:

* * *

I'm thinking… I'm an idiot.

I'm thinking… what am I doing here? I'm sitting looking out the window of my Mexican suite. The sunset and the beach seem to have a calming effect on me.  
On the brochure it's advertised as paradise, but that all depends on who is sharing paradise with you.

After the room service attendant leaves…

I'm thinking… I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish I hadn't called the man who is coming towards me now; if I had known ahead of time Marshall would've picked then to call me on my shit…  
I wouldn't have called Faber on my way into the office. We both knew what this was… no strings, no attachments, no hurt. I know this was supposed to be simple, meaningless…  
I thought I needed someone, anyone on this trip.

I'm thinking… I wish he was Marshall. But Marshall isn't just someone, he's not just anyone to me. I can't stop thinking, I can't get Marshall off of my mind.

I'm thinking… I wish Marshall was the man who had gone walking and swimming with me on the beach earlier,  
instead it's Faber who is freshly showered after that little beach excursion and standing here.

I'm thinking… I wish Marshall was the one in just a towel before me.

I'm thinking… I wish Marshall had brought me the wine; I realize he should be the one sharing this bottle with me.

I'm thinking… I wonder if closing my eyes will help me pretend the man with me now, is the one I really want.

I'm thinking… Maybe if I pretend that it's Marshall touching me, kissing me, maybe I'll feel something…  
I try to feel anything at all. I try to get Marshall out of my system, his haunting words out of my head.

I'm thinking… this little experiment is crap; so much for science.

I'm thinking… he shouldn't be surprised when I break the kiss and when I do break it; he doesn't seem shocked at all as if he already knew we would end up here.

He says, "You're thinking that it's not me you want to be on this vacation with. You think that this is a mistake don't you?"

I reply, "I'm…"

He interrupts, "It's okay… don't apologize. It isn't a complete waste. I haven't had a vacation in years, almost forgot what the sun looks like.  
Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying. But, if that Marshall of yours ever breaks your heart…"

"He won't." I state as a matter of fact.

He replies, "Then you better get going… What are you waiting for?"

"I'm not waiting on anything anymore."

"Good for you…." He says with a sincere smile.

"Thanks," I reply wearing a smile of my own.

I hurriedly change and grab my things from the other room, grateful I hadn't had time to unpack much.  
As I start to leave this "Eden," and slip through the door, I hear Faber say one last thing:

"Goodbye, Kitten."


End file.
